Also, there is a cat in my lap
Icream!
phantom_fox0033
So, I'm not feeling the livejournal thing anymore. I don't want to delete this thing, since I've had it so long, but I'm not the same person who started the damn thing. In some respects, yes, I am the same. I still don't want kids, I still like me some anime, but I've not been paying any mind to any of the things that I once would jump at--Transformers fic, Kingdom Hearts, D.Gray Man, all of it.

For one thing, I'm much more active in the local kink community, I'm living with a man who is also my master and my boyfriend, I read more books and web comics than anything now, and I think that's mostly due to me not having the time to just sit down and find more things to get involved with online. I admit, I do this kind of thing every few months or so, but it just seems to me that I'm not spending the time like I used to online, or even fanning over anything. I like something, I read it, and then go on with my day. I don't stop and look for more of this, or more of that, I can live with what I have from the cannon, and be perfectly fine. That could also be because I'm spending about 8-10 hours a day or more at work, getting about 2-3 hours of sleep less than what I should, and also am on the road alot more, as work is now on the far side of Lexington after a 20 minute commute from Georgetown.

I'm still working on that whole communication thing with Gayle, though. I relapse every now and then to not talking about what I need, want or desire, and it's mostly habit from bottling up everything, starting from childhood and going up, but the habit is apparently so bad I don't recognize my emotions. Which is bad when you're in a power exchange relationship with someone who does truly care for you and needs to know how you feel about everything that they're/we're going to do, whether you want to do it or not. Paddles are included in this statement.

With me and communication, though? I don't talk about my feelings very well. The fun thing is when I literally cannot force the words out. I just freeze up and can't make my tongue work. Absolutely wonderful for those times when we're talking about our relationship or when I fuck up and I know what I did and why or why I think I did what I did, and just can't say the goddamn words. I'm reduced to crying and staring at the floor. We're working on it, though. Slowly but surely. It's just hard to break down 15+ years of habits.

I'm not anywhere near the point where I can talk about my feelings without a lot of help and/or prodding with a stick...

Gayle's currently attempting to hypnotize a friend of ours, so that's going to be fun. Hopefully I won't go under with her, although I'm not going along with the instructions he's giving.

Got bored, so I'm going to end this here. Will come back later, I suppose...

Also, I have strep throat again.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiick
Icream!
phantom_fox0033
A brief history of me and my tonsils.

Right now, strep throat with what I am almost undoubtedly sure is an ear infection on top of that.

Mid to late January, mono disguised as strep. Went to hospital (dad works there, so that means I don't have to wait for forever), they thought it was strep, sent me home with something that I was allergic to (they didn't know it, neither did I), and a week later I went back and they found out it was mono.

December, strep disguising itself as strep. I think.

Pretttttttttty sure that I had strep in October of the previous year, and possibly sometime in August.

Then there was that fun time that week or two in September of the last year I lived with dad (2009???) that I had strep again.

So, how many times does a person's throat have to get fucked by strep before the goddamn tonsils get removed?!!!!!!!!

I mean, really.

I had a case of strep at least once every year of elementary, I had this one ear infection so bad that it made something in my ear go "kablooy" and I keep catching it as an adult. I'm sure that mom and dad can tell me exactly how many times I've had strep, though.

I just want to sleep ;_;

Just babbling here, nothing to worry about....
Icream!
phantom_fox0033
Sooooo.... I got my first ink. It hurt like a bitch--it was like being stung repeated by a bee, probably because it was just one needle. Right now, it's safe under a band-aid with some Vitamin A&D ointment on it. I think I might have to get it touched up, though, you can kind of see where he didn't get all the way to the outline, and that would bug me after a while, unless it's part of the design. Ah well, I'll give it the recommended healing time, and then worry about if I have to go under the needle again to make it pretty.

Already picking out another design, which amuses me. I'm thinking a PacMan inspired "bracelet" around an ankle, or possibly the Autobot or Decepticon logo somewhere.

In other news, I was talking to a guy from fetlife. Was, because I've not heard from him for about 3 days with email, and just short of a week with phone calls. Now, I could be wrong, but I think it might be because I mentioned the following: I'm perfectly happy with not having a mate/partner. And he's all about getting a mate/partner, and making a family, along with getting a big house.

Now, my thing about mates is... Hard to explain. For one thing, I'd have been perfectly happy with having a future with Brad, no matter how short it was. I enjoyed pretty much everything about him, and, if he had agreed with my feelings, I would even have contemplated pretty much anything, if I could have stayed with him. You all see how well that turned out, though.

Another thing is, I still see a future without a mate. I still see myself living on a mountain, in a cabin, when I'm old, and still without a mate. 30s and 40s is about the same, and late 20s involve traveling, and learning things. College, I don't know about. Don't see the point, really.

It just seems to me that I can be happy with or without a mate. I don't need people as horribly as most people, and I don't really need or want a mate at this point, so I'm not going to be so wanting about it. If I find someone that I click ridiculously well with, then yes, shit might go down, and I might get a mate out of it. As it appears right now, I'm not likely to get that.

I'm okay with this, too. I don't really understand why some (young) guys don't seem to be okay with it, though. Maybe it's the idea that a woman can be happy by herself, or the idea that a submissive/bottom doesn't feel the need for a committed relationship yet? One person said that it could just be that they're looking for someone to stick around for a while.

njl;kavnju;uvneipugb

I want food.

Rawr?
Icream!
phantom_fox0033

To lose the pants.

Foods to be avoided:

  • White potatoes
  • White pasta
  • White rice
  • White bread
  • Anything made using white flour
  • White sugar
  • White beans
  • White solid fats

Foods you can eat:

  • Whole wheat pasta
  • Brown rice
  • Full grain bread
  • Green leafy vegetables
  • Yams
  • Colorful vegetables
  • Fruit
  • Egg whites
  • Milk
  • Cauliflower
  • Fish
  • Lean chicken


Time for something Different. Yo.
Staying up late
phantom_fox0033
I. Think that I need to try a low carb diet. I've been poking at the idea of dieting for quite a bit of time, and have even started eating more fruit and tea and shiz on my breaks instead of candy and caffeinated, over-sugarfied drinks. Those little cups of pineapple and apples and things certainly help make me not hungry for longer than straight candy, too.

But this time? I be trying a diet. The low carb diet. Research comes first, though, and I'm not sure what kinds of low carb diets (I'm about to start using acronyms, I mean, godsdamn....) are out there, and what they look/act like. The Atkins is one of them, isn't it?

And something about the South Beach, and Idk for sure and whatnot.

Man, Vater Unser (The Lord's Prayer in the English version) sounds so much better in German/Latin than in English/Latin..... (E Nomine, bitches. German techno ftw.)

ANyway. Poking at one of the websites (on About.com), and it seems that I might have.... What the hell was it, a sensitivity to insulin? Something? Because I've been noticing recently that I have a lot of these symptoms: 1) feel like eating even though I just finished a meal, 2) feel urges to eat throughout the day, not necessarily related to a meal schedule or even true hunger, and maybe 3) frequently feel sluggish after eating, especially after a meal rich in starches and sugars.

Ah, found it. I might have a 'carbohydrate sensitivity' or a 'glucose intolerance.' Or just be eating too much in the way of carbs, I don't know. Something. (Going to have to talk to dad about this before doing anything....)

Ooooooooooh.

  • Smoked salmon and cream cheese on cucumber slices
...... Yum.

I think I can live with this diet. I'mma miss spaghetti, though. And Subway.

Kosei just crawled down my shoulder to my lap. Bitch. *pets*

W\ho knows, this might even help me keep my nails long longer than a month. And my hair to grow stronger~!

Think it might be time to start some kind of link page or something.....

LCD Pages and Things
What to expect in the first week-- http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/lowcarb101/a/firstweek.htm
Low carbohydrate snacks-- http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/whattoeat/a/snacks.htm


South Beach Diet Info-- http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/southbeachdiet/p/sbdposneg.htm

Atkins Diet-- http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/atkinsdiet/Atkins_Diet_Information.htm
Also for Atkins-- http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/atkinsdiet/p/atkinsproscons.htm
(.......Amusing thing. There's a phase in Atkins that's acronymed to "OWL". Now I want to try this, if only I can say, "Yeah, I totally took my OWLs.")

Other diet things-- http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/populardietplans/Popular_Low_Carb_Diet_Plans.htm


Got bored. Think bedtime now.

When will it stop?
Refuse to get up
phantom_fox0033


I'm crying (again.), and have been for the last half hour.

I hate this. I miss him, and it's..... not quite killing me, even though I might die of dehydration if I don't stop crying soon. Or at least get a terrible headache.

Oh god, just picked the wrong song to listen to.

Of course, the internet would freeze up when I accidently post this because I'm not paying attention to the location of the curser....

I don't even know what I just did. I sent a pm on facebook to Brad, and.... I don't know. Maybe it was a break up letter that wasn't really a break up letter? I'd post it, but I don't even know how to think he'll respond. I don't know how I'd respond. All I know is that I'm crying because I'm thinking about it, I was crying when I wrote it, and I was just typing whatever came into my head and made some kind of sense to me.

I think it's a break up letter.

I just want a hug now ;-;


Also, fuck that new year's post, it is full of lies.
Icream!
phantom_fox0033
Never enough said, but whatever.

If wishes were fishes....
Icream!
phantom_fox0033


We'd be fucking dead of fish induced suffocation in ten minutes or less of that half of the proverb coming true.

Regardless of how badly someone wants something, they're just gonna get fished to death.

Bah.

I feel strangely distant from what I know I should be feeling--quite possibly a massive horrifying depression in which I cry a lot and watch horrible chick movies, and eat myself into a coma in a pathetic attempt to numb the pain.

Actually, I still might do that, just for the hell of it.

---Either way, it feels like something's been ripped out of my chest and replaced with a numb, fluffy stuffing, and that sooner or later, I'm going to lose the numbness, and wail like a banshee or some wailing thing, for something that never really had a chance from the moment I opened my mouth and said that I didn't want to have kids. And when that happens, when I lose the numbness and the emotional distance, it's going to hurt like nothing has ever hurt before.

It doesn't help at all that I confirmed this by asking what would have happened if I had wanted kids, even with the vagueness of the response.

I think, that right now, would be a really good time to go buy as big a stuffed bear as I possibly can find. I'm going to need something to curl up against, now that I'm effectively, sadly single now. Not like I ever left that status, but whatever.

Doesn't matter anyway when you can't have any kind of relationship with the one you love beyond 'fuck buddy,' because of two seperate life goals.



Ignore the print
Wth?
phantom_fox0033
The reason why Brad and I aren't dating is because he wants kids, and.... I don't. Simple as that. He actually said what I'd known all along, that it'd tear us apart eventually, but... Still hurt worse than anything I've ever felt before. And that was with three or four alcoholic mixed drinks in me.

This is just in case I don't remember all the shit that went down tonight. I probably will, since I'lm still typing mostly coherently.

Fucking emotions, why do they have to hurt so much? ;-;

Congratulate me. For srs.
Refuse to get up
phantom_fox0033

I got mono. Idk how or why, but it's a bitch. And apparently the lab people at the Saint Jo were impressed by how positive the signs of mono were. When dad called with the results, he said that they were 'very, very, extremely positive' that it was mono that I had, and not strep throat.

Either way, sucks to be me. No kissing for... I think it was a week? Or at least until I ran out of the meds that I was prescribed, and no one drinking or eating after me, and no drinking or eating after other people for me. Also, I'm going to feel like shit run down for the next month or so (Four to six weeks), even after the meds. No kissing the cats or dog, either. Why I would do that, I've no idea....

And I really got to do the dishes now. Dad said to throw them into the dishwasher on hot, and do the same with the pans, except I'm not sure that's going to work with the pans. Ack, I don't wants to do the dishes, that requires effort!!

Crap, forgot to ask dad if I could kidnap William and take him to dinner with mom and Andrew tomorrow. I'll call him when he's off tonight.

I think Sara's dead, I've not heard anything from her all day, and I already told her the diagnosis..... *pokes phone*

Yea, I got nothin'. You?
GYAA!!!!
phantom_fox0033

Following in the footsteps and internet stalkings of many other people, and also general boredom, I've decided that it might be entertaining to figure out the goods and bads, ups and downs, and random sideways moves of the past year or so. I think it should take about two hours, with time to stop and poke at random things online, and also look for more music videos on the youbtubes for background noise.

.... Heh. Please Don't Leave Mike Posner. Heh heh.

The Goods (heh)
-Moved out of the parental unit
-Turned 21 \o/
-Experimented (good) with some of my alternative lifestyle leanings
-Am that much closer to visiting Britain, thanks to maternal grandma
-Got midnight smooches, and then some on New Year's Eve at midnight =3
-Saw Rocky Horror at midnight on Halloween (Leave. Earlier. Next time.)
-Did (and continue to do) karoake and didn't fail horribly :D
-We think we became less camera shy. (How the fuck did that happen?)
-Discovered new (to me) awesome music that we need to buy
-Grinch pajamas. Need I say more?
-Flyleaf/Breaking Benjamin concert, minus the bits with Three Days Grace.
-Made a (badly planned) pirate ship out of sand at the beach :D
-Broke up with carbinated caffiene
-Fell in love with the Norse myths
-Relationships :D


The Bads (....)
-.....Salem disappeared.
-Spent most of spring and all of summer talking with an idiot
-Got depressed over a misunderstanding and miscommunication (It got better)
-Experimented (badly) with some of my alternative lifestyle leanings
-Am that much farther from visiting Britain, thanks to car being a bitch
-Got the plague (strep throat)
-Became allergic to the plague cure (fucking cephalixen makes me itch)
-Relationships ><
-The Deftones concert Brittany and I went to. *growls*
-Got back together with carbonated caffiene (not as dependent, and I can't tell the difference between flat coke and not flat coke any more)
-General paranoia


The Sideways
-Kept the car (still a well maintained well loved PoS <3)
-Kept the job (still has ups and downs)
-Still alive (mostly. Zombies haven't gotten me yet!)
-Managed not to drink self into a coma on the 21st (did figure out that vodka is nasty no matter how you drink it)
-Have managed to avoid the 'L' word when talking about our 'L' interest. (The L word is not lesbian(s))
-Eljay is still being dicks about showing me my page when I open a window or tab. Daft bastards.
-Money. Ye gads, money. It's every where at this point (good, bad, sideways and diagonal)
-Relationships :/
-Ears closed up, so have to get new holes punched in.
-Picked a tattoo design that I like, and talked about what tattoo shops are good around here. Castle of Color seems to be awesome.
-Brothers/family is mostly down, but got a little bit of the up, too.

.....

Huh.

It seems like the good outnumber the bad when I look at the year this way. Plus or minus things that didn't really belong in any column, and especially when I started digging for good/bad/sideways things that hadn't already been covered by one mention or another. Well, except for that whole thing about Salem disappearing and taking half my heart with him, and the thing about the misunderstanding that made me cry like a small child. But seeing as those two were pretty damn huge and heart breaking, I feel like they need their own special column. Hopefully I won't have anything that horrible happen any time soon. It still hurts when I linger too long on thoughts of Salem, and how much I like someone and what will happen when that person feels the need to move on.

Ah well, that's what sappy heart broken love songs and sad movies are for, amirite?

Sorry, got distracted by Mahjong for a minute there.

Anyway. Apparently, there's a saying that says something about how what you're doing on New Year's Eve will be what you're doing for the rest of the year. If it's true, then no, of course I wouldn't mind kissing Brad for the rest of the year. I'm not going to jinx that by saying anything about wanting him to be my first Valentine in who knows how many years, either. *knock on wood*

I think I'm going to bed now. Tired, and I don't think the plague got entirely killed off with that cephalixen, either.

G'night, and have a good year, peoples.

Goals can come later.



There should be a band named Daft Bastards.
Refuse to get up
phantom_fox0033

Alrigyht, ye daft bastards. Quit kicking me off livejournal whenever I open up a new window or tab. Bastards. I have the thing checked to remember me, are you going through senility, or just being daft bastards?

Daft bastards......

Anyways.

Addicted to versions of Bedlam Boys, for some reason (the bits about 'souls piping hot, all on a spit a-turning' and the thing about 'me staff has murdered giants, and me bag a long knife carries' might be why...) (or maybe it's the lovely accents the many singers have.. Mmph. Irish.)

Am suffering through yet another bout of plague (strep throat), and have had to go home early from work today because I got hit with a fever that made 25 degrees outside feel like 65 for the few minutes I was out there. Yeah, I was that feverish. So, went home with about two and a halfish hours left in my shift. No fun, and I'm going to regret that come next paycheck. But hey, fever trumps work any time.

Cat's using me as a couch. Silly cat.

Dad bought lunch for me and Brad too, and it was fun. Totally wasn't expecting it, but awheel.

I want to watch Firefly. Blame this vid of Bedlam Boys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jaTdJMoHm8

Bed time now.


My foot fell asleep, then woke up. Yays.
Icream!
phantom_fox0033

Gods, I don't even know how to explain what's been going through my head right now.

It seems to be a mixture of all kinds of odd things: emotional backlog that needs to be examined and clarified or thrown out, words and rages that I've not expressed to my satisfaction, situations that are refusing to be classified.....
Lots of typing. Like, lots.Collapse )
I think I'm going to head to bed now. Is 430 am anyway....



(no subject)
Icream!
phantom_fox0033


Oh fuck.

I think this would break me.
 



(no subject)
Icream!
phantom_fox0033
So, I just remembered either a series of dreams that I had, or a series of random thoughts upon waking up.

Went like so :p

Kali will devour the world, returning all to chaos, Ragnorak will burn and destroy everything, and the Christians have their Rapture. What does everyone else have?

At least, I think it went like that.

And now I'm curious, as those are the only actual 'world ending' things that I know. Also, I want to say that there were images along with the words.

*shrug* My brain's weird.
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